I've been told by a few people this week that I'm a good person. I make mistakes, but I'm a good person.
It's bullshit, I think.
I know myself, and I know that by no stretch of the imagination am I a good person. Or even a decent one. Sure, I'm nice, I'm sweet, but I'm indecisive and I'm leading a double life, the scale of which rivals that of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
I've made the occasional fuck up every once in a while (dancing at a strip club twice, lying about what I spend money on, letting an ex boyfriend kiss me once), but I've done things over the past two or so months that would cause my family to disown me.
I sold pictures and videos of myself doing things that would make my mother's eyes bleed, on a website, so that I could earn money for my breast implants. I've raised the money and now I don't know how to explain it. Nobody knows about this except for a select few of my closest friends. I had no intention of telling them to what extremes I went to to raise this money. Not because I'm ashamed of what I've done (because I could have made that money on the site based on my personality alone), but because I didn't want them to look at me differently. It's fucked up, but I loved the attention I got. Men are more than willing to pay to see me naked. It's flattering and it made me feel like a celebrity, just like when I danced. I felt sexy and important. Does that sound like something a good person would say?
I'm married still. And yet, next week I'm boarding a plane to meet (and most likely end up sleeping with) a man I've never met outside of the internet. I've told everyone in my family that I'm going to visit my best friend and her mother, who has cancer. I've been stashing money away, hiding it from my mother and my douchebag husband for the past few weeks to pay for it. Does that sound like something a good person would do?
I don't think so. If someone sat me down and told me that a friend of theirs was doing the same shit I am, I'd say, "Wow, that girl is fucked up. They need to Baker Act that bitch." I try justifying the things I do to myself, but I can't. I know I'm fucking up, I just can't seem to stop. I don't want to. I'm not sure if I've hit a point in my life where I've just gotten selfish, or if my insecurity has taken over and started turning me into a different person.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
The places that I've come to fear the most...
Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself
And covered with a perfect shell
Such a charming, beautiful exterior
Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes
Perfect posture, but you're barely scraping by
But you're barely scraping by
This is one time, this is one time
That you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone
Or anyone at all...or anyone at all
And the grave that you refuse to leave
The refuge that you've built to flee
The places that you've come to fear the most
It's the place that you have come to fear the most
Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself
And hidden in the public eye
Such a stellar monument to loneliness
Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes
Perfect make-up, but you're barely scraping by
But you're barely scraping by...
Well this is one time, well this is one time
That you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone
Or anyone at all...or anyone at all
And the grave that you refuse to leave
The refuge that you've built to flee
The places that you've come to fear the most
It's the place that you have come to fear the most
And you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone
Or anyone at all..or anyone at all
And the grave that you refuse to leave
The refuge that you've built to flee
The places that you've come to fear the most
It's the place that you've come to fear the most
It's the place that you have come to fear the most
-Dashboard Confessional, The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most
Such a stellar monument to loneliness. That's me.
I can't fake it anymore, no matter how much I try. It used to be easy. I could smile, laugh, and push the things that were breaking me down aside, and pretend they didn't exist. I always knew what to say and how to act to make people think that I was fine. But that composure I had is gone. People are noticing the changes in me and I can't hide it or fix it. The more people notice, the more I want to shut them out.
My friends and family ask me questions I can't answer, so I avoid them altogether. The few friends I continue to talk to are those that I know are real and genuine. Those that want to see me happy, and hate stressing me out. Those friends don't ask me questions, but are there for me when I do feel like talking about it. It just hurts to hear from them that they're worried they're losing me because I'm changing.
I've gotten insecure, quiet, secretive, and shy. I wasn't like that before. I was never unsure of myself, socially. I am so used to being attacked all the time, that I've completely walled myself off from everyone, and I hate it. I wish it was as easy as "snapping out of it," but it isn't. Not by a long shot. I wish I knew what steps to take to move on from this, but I don't.
I don't believe in depression. I don't believe in taking pills to "cure" it. Depression is a symptom of the problems you're having in your life. If you fix the problems, the depression will go away. Depression, to me, is your brain's way of saying, "Please, fix this. Something isn't right." I want to fix my problems,
but I can't do that without hurting people that don't deserve it. I'm stuck. Nothing is worse than feeling trapped in a situation you can't control.
I met someone almost two months ago that makes me so happy, it's unreal. He's funny, sweet, caring, and treats me better than anyone ever has. I'm terrified to lose him. I'd never tell him that, because I don't want to put that pressure on him, but I'm sure he knows. He told me he loved me the other night and I didn't say it back. Not because I don't, but because I was too scared to say it. Saying it makes it so real, and puts me into a vulnerable position. Part of it too, is that I want to be with him, but there are so many things against us right now.
The least of our problems, surprisingly, is the distance between us. There are more serious issues: I have a daughter, he's not sure he can handle that. It's too much, I think, to ask of someone to take on a child that doesn't belong to them, so I get it, and I don't think any less of him for that. I love his honesty.
I'm still married. That's also a big problem, for obvious reasons.
We're both scared of commitment. I don't want to be hurt again, so I'm defensive. Neither one of us knows if we're ready to be tied down to another person, but I don't think either of us wants to see the other with anybody else. The thought of him with someone else makes me sick, and I hate that. I never tell him. I always act like, "Hey, I'm not your wife or your girlfriend, you can do what you like. You're a free man. I'm not trying to cock-block you." Then he says, "God, you're fucking amazing. When you say things like that, it makes me never ever want to do it. You're so perfect, you deserve so much better than me. How come you don't get jealous? I'd go crazy if you were talking to some other guy." I say, "Other guys don't interest me, and I'm coming out of a different situation. It's a miracle I'm as close to you as I am, as far as I'm concerned." But yeah, the thought of him with someone else drives me crazy, even though I'll never admit it. I see him getting text messages 20 times a day from two other girls. He's honest with me about them. Since we've been talking, he's lost interest in both of them, which is good, because I can't take being someone's second choice a third time.
He doesn't think he can give me what I deserve. He says I'm special, and beautiful, and I should be with someone who can give me everything I deserve. He's worried that he can't be that person because he's fucked up in the past. He's cheated on and disrespected women. He's said, "I worry that I'll fuck up again, because I want what I can't have. But I don't think I could ever do that to you. I so badly don't want to be another guy that hurts you, ever." I believe him, but I try to keep him at a distance, because I don't want him to be able to hurt me.
I'm going to see him in two weeks, and I'm scared of where our relationship is going to go. It's been hard for me to keep him at an emotional distance when he's 800 miles away, I don't know what I'm going to do when he's less than two feet away. I'm trying to keep this simple. "He makes me happy, he's fun to talk to and we have a lot in common. Don't get in too deep. Let it be what it is." But it's so hard.
Right now, nothing in my life is certain or even close to it, so I try to relax and let things go where they go. I'm pretty sure that once I'm happy again, whenever that is, I'll go back to being normal. But until then, there are parts of me that will be missed.
And covered with a perfect shell
Such a charming, beautiful exterior
Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes
Perfect posture, but you're barely scraping by
But you're barely scraping by
This is one time, this is one time
That you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone
Or anyone at all...or anyone at all
And the grave that you refuse to leave
The refuge that you've built to flee
The places that you've come to fear the most
It's the place that you have come to fear the most
Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself
And hidden in the public eye
Such a stellar monument to loneliness
Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes
Perfect make-up, but you're barely scraping by
But you're barely scraping by...
Well this is one time, well this is one time
That you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone
Or anyone at all...or anyone at all
And the grave that you refuse to leave
The refuge that you've built to flee
The places that you've come to fear the most
It's the place that you have come to fear the most
And you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone
Or anyone at all..or anyone at all
And the grave that you refuse to leave
The refuge that you've built to flee
The places that you've come to fear the most
It's the place that you've come to fear the most
It's the place that you have come to fear the most
-Dashboard Confessional, The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most
Such a stellar monument to loneliness. That's me.
I can't fake it anymore, no matter how much I try. It used to be easy. I could smile, laugh, and push the things that were breaking me down aside, and pretend they didn't exist. I always knew what to say and how to act to make people think that I was fine. But that composure I had is gone. People are noticing the changes in me and I can't hide it or fix it. The more people notice, the more I want to shut them out.
My friends and family ask me questions I can't answer, so I avoid them altogether. The few friends I continue to talk to are those that I know are real and genuine. Those that want to see me happy, and hate stressing me out. Those friends don't ask me questions, but are there for me when I do feel like talking about it. It just hurts to hear from them that they're worried they're losing me because I'm changing.
I've gotten insecure, quiet, secretive, and shy. I wasn't like that before. I was never unsure of myself, socially. I am so used to being attacked all the time, that I've completely walled myself off from everyone, and I hate it. I wish it was as easy as "snapping out of it," but it isn't. Not by a long shot. I wish I knew what steps to take to move on from this, but I don't.
I don't believe in depression. I don't believe in taking pills to "cure" it. Depression is a symptom of the problems you're having in your life. If you fix the problems, the depression will go away. Depression, to me, is your brain's way of saying, "Please, fix this. Something isn't right." I want to fix my problems,
but I can't do that without hurting people that don't deserve it. I'm stuck. Nothing is worse than feeling trapped in a situation you can't control.
I met someone almost two months ago that makes me so happy, it's unreal. He's funny, sweet, caring, and treats me better than anyone ever has. I'm terrified to lose him. I'd never tell him that, because I don't want to put that pressure on him, but I'm sure he knows. He told me he loved me the other night and I didn't say it back. Not because I don't, but because I was too scared to say it. Saying it makes it so real, and puts me into a vulnerable position. Part of it too, is that I want to be with him, but there are so many things against us right now.
The least of our problems, surprisingly, is the distance between us. There are more serious issues: I have a daughter, he's not sure he can handle that. It's too much, I think, to ask of someone to take on a child that doesn't belong to them, so I get it, and I don't think any less of him for that. I love his honesty.
I'm still married. That's also a big problem, for obvious reasons.
We're both scared of commitment. I don't want to be hurt again, so I'm defensive. Neither one of us knows if we're ready to be tied down to another person, but I don't think either of us wants to see the other with anybody else. The thought of him with someone else makes me sick, and I hate that. I never tell him. I always act like, "Hey, I'm not your wife or your girlfriend, you can do what you like. You're a free man. I'm not trying to cock-block you." Then he says, "God, you're fucking amazing. When you say things like that, it makes me never ever want to do it. You're so perfect, you deserve so much better than me. How come you don't get jealous? I'd go crazy if you were talking to some other guy." I say, "Other guys don't interest me, and I'm coming out of a different situation. It's a miracle I'm as close to you as I am, as far as I'm concerned." But yeah, the thought of him with someone else drives me crazy, even though I'll never admit it. I see him getting text messages 20 times a day from two other girls. He's honest with me about them. Since we've been talking, he's lost interest in both of them, which is good, because I can't take being someone's second choice a third time.
He doesn't think he can give me what I deserve. He says I'm special, and beautiful, and I should be with someone who can give me everything I deserve. He's worried that he can't be that person because he's fucked up in the past. He's cheated on and disrespected women. He's said, "I worry that I'll fuck up again, because I want what I can't have. But I don't think I could ever do that to you. I so badly don't want to be another guy that hurts you, ever." I believe him, but I try to keep him at a distance, because I don't want him to be able to hurt me.
I'm going to see him in two weeks, and I'm scared of where our relationship is going to go. It's been hard for me to keep him at an emotional distance when he's 800 miles away, I don't know what I'm going to do when he's less than two feet away. I'm trying to keep this simple. "He makes me happy, he's fun to talk to and we have a lot in common. Don't get in too deep. Let it be what it is." But it's so hard.
Right now, nothing in my life is certain or even close to it, so I try to relax and let things go where they go. I'm pretty sure that once I'm happy again, whenever that is, I'll go back to being normal. But until then, there are parts of me that will be missed.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
A popular blogger creates a secret identity...
That's right, I've gone underground.
Here, I shall be known as Faydra (those of you who can figure out where I got that ultra-symbolic name get five gold stars...ten gold stars to those of you that can give me the story behind it).
This is where I'll talk about my real life. I'm a pretty secretive girl in my other blog. I don't write about myself. My other blog is used to give advice, in this blog, I'll be seeking it.
General information about me:
I'm 22 years old. I have a 10 month old daughter. I'm a cosmetologist and a model. I'm married but I'm trying to get out. He's not abusive, we just can't stand each other. I have a German Shepherd that I love. My favorite food is Thai, my favorite song changes on a weekly basis, and I hate my body, but I'm not afraid to show it off.
In the last two years, I've changed so much I don't know who I am anymore, I don't think. I can't tell if I'm turning into someone I'm not, or finding out who I really am. It scares me.
Here, I shall be known as Faydra (those of you who can figure out where I got that ultra-symbolic name get five gold stars...ten gold stars to those of you that can give me the story behind it).
This is where I'll talk about my real life. I'm a pretty secretive girl in my other blog. I don't write about myself. My other blog is used to give advice, in this blog, I'll be seeking it.
General information about me:
I'm 22 years old. I have a 10 month old daughter. I'm a cosmetologist and a model. I'm married but I'm trying to get out. He's not abusive, we just can't stand each other. I have a German Shepherd that I love. My favorite food is Thai, my favorite song changes on a weekly basis, and I hate my body, but I'm not afraid to show it off.
In the last two years, I've changed so much I don't know who I am anymore, I don't think. I can't tell if I'm turning into someone I'm not, or finding out who I really am. It scares me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)